Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
February 1, 2013
File Size
619 bytes


2 (who?)
I don't know the exact time
But it's fairly late at night.
Hidden by the shadows,
Street people disguised.

Cold air chills my skin.
Window open, letting the world in.
Audible shouts of strangers
Muffled by city wind.

My inspiration isn't there.
Breathing in this filthy air.
Notebook in lap.
But my mind hardly cares.

Perhaps I'll crawl in bed.
Every idea I had is dead.
Lay my head down.
And get some sleep instead.
Add a Comment:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

Gah! Simply love this poem. Your imagery is lovely through out the entire poem. It makes me remember my own late nights- craving inspiration and finding none.

I think that any artist will find this relatable- the subject matter so very common, but you did a really nice job of making it your own.

I found the rhyme and meter to work well and overall very much enjoyed this. Sorry, but I truly have no constructive criticism to offer on this poem. I think you did a fabulous job!
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

This Critique will be brief as there is very little seemingly wrong with this piece. The only thing bothering me is one slight inconsistency. That would be the first stanza. While the rest of your piece seems to fit a fixed form, your first stanza appears to be free verse more than anything. Perhaps I am just nitpicking, but I do enjoy consistency in poetry.

However, this was still a brilliant poem, and the message was clear from the get-go. Well done!
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! I will be critiquing this piece for :iconpoeticalcondition:. Please keep in mind that these are merely my opinions, and any changes made to this, if you make them, should be what you want to do, as this is your artwork. I am only lending you my suggestions.

First and foremost, I really, really adore the slant rhyme you used in the first stanza, and almost wish you'd carried that throughout the piece. Don't get me wrong, the other stanzas are lovely, but their rhymes are more run-of-the-mill variety, where that first stanza breaks the mold and really caught my attention.

I think that last stanza is my second favorite--it left me thinking, which is great! I feel like there's a lot of beautiful imagery interspersed throughout this piece that drew me in and kept me consistently awed. Lovely, lovely work on this overall--the only thing I can really say in regards to technicalities would be in regards to the meter. There are a number of times in this piece where it feels like the rhythm is lost, or forced. Aside from that, though, nice work!
DearMaria1 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
Your critism is so deeply appreciated! I will use your advice to better myself as a poet. Thank you for the feedback<33
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :heart:
iammemyself Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah I see, so you just let Microsoft Word autoname your document? It's because the new submission menu automatically puts the title of the document as the deviation title.

Okay. Now for your critique.

You have some very excellent imagery in here. It sets up an air of creepiness.

However most of the poem has an AABA rhythm, which is good, but it kind of makes the first stanza stand out. That's fine if you were trying to hit us with it and make us remember it because of the changed rhythm while we read the rest of the poem. If that's not what you were going for though keep that in mind for the future.
DearMaria1 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
I'll try to autoname it. Thank you.

That is what I was going for. I changed the rhythm because the first stanza started the poem off and kinda set the setting and I wanted to almost carry it through the entire poem.
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Professional Writer
The style and expression of your poem is very eerie, and you might title it horror. The pattern and rhythm are very suited to it, and I feel that you have considered them carefully as I would. You say "I don't know" but who knows, deep within you may know. Good writing.
DearMaria1 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013
I didn't mean to put I don't know in the title. I just don't understand the new submission menu D:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Professional Writer
Oh! Yes, that was automatic, I saw that happen. Next time, edit your titles.
Add a Comment: